Here Is What I Know --April 11, 2010

          I woke this morning from a dream about truth and memory. In it I was working to convince a young attorney of the truth of my memory of a situation. And he, with agility and persistence, was pointing out to me all the inconsistencies in what and how I was remembering. I was adamant that he see the significance of the events my way, but he just didn’t. Nothing I said could convince him that I was right.

          The truth is that my life has been a symphony of inconsistencies the past few years, as I’ve attempted to take a deep inward journey along an institutional path. I faithfully followed the path that I thought would open to a creative and compassionate life of service. Yet here I am, standing at the end of that path, looking down into the crashing surf. The truth is stark and real, and going forward is no longer an option.  Not this way.

          Spirit has a way of catching us before we fall off a cliff, at least sometimes. But often that catching can be devastating and doesn’t resemble anything like what we think of as grace or blessings. Everything we’ve invested in seems to be crushed under a heavy foot, tossed off a cliff into the waves, severed. And it may be years before we are able to look back and even begin to see the hand of divinity, in those events, turning us toward the perfection of a more authentic future.

          Sometimes divinity is that lawyer in my dream, unconvinced that what we think will ultimately be most productive and fulfilling for us will actually allow for the fullest expression of our gifts. It might take countless choices, including walking into walls or coming to the end of the road, before we actually step out with a sure and confident step onto a path that opens to a future both rewarding and true to who we are.

    But if we are brave enough, if we can bear the weight of bone-deep sorrow, shock, and disappointment and just stay with it, leaning into it as if our lives depended on it, which they do, we might begin to sense a deeper truth. That we are never alone. That we are inside of all things, all experiences, and that they are inside of us. That nothing is  lost,  as long as we appreciate its value. And that as one path reaches an end, another is already beginning to open, gently and tenderly beckoning us forward into the promise of another day, a fresh start, an adventure of the spirit we wouldn’t miss for the world. An opportunity to bring the blessing that is who we are to the service of Light and Love.